The Malady of Johnny Malkavian

On second thought, they look more like telephone lines.

The voice of the people, the power of the people; is there a difference?

One day soon, I will come to terms with the fact that simply because something is beautiful, it doesn’t mean it has got to be mine.

There are so many things I love about you. I love having you close to me when I sleep. I love it when you go around the house asking “mummy where are you?”. I love it when you pull my hand and say “mummy come”. I love it when you dance and sing.

只有在戏中，才能感受，接触得到这种纯朴，简单的爱吗？

是不是现实生活越罕见的情节，越动人，越扣人心弦呢？

看［恋空］，边看，边哭得像傻瓜一样。回想少年时的我，也曾想望经历这种无私的恋爱。

现在的我，被现实打败了吗？或是恋着永远与大地隔离的天空，不切实际呢？

我依然渴望我所相信的爱，有一天能实现。

恋空。等待。

I was scrutinizing, awed, the titles of the books that packed the ceiling-high shelves which spanned her entire wall when she spoke.

“There’s this young couple that comes by every Friday night. They just stand outside, looking at the house, holding hands,” she said.

I saw in my mind’s eye, the two standing underneath the single streetlight that illuminated the forgotten backstreet. The feline overlords of the alley would saunter about lazily, pause to afford curious gazes to their guests, then go on unperturbed to curl up at one of the many nooks and crannies. The night would announce its arrival with the whisper of a zephyr, rousing the scent of approaching womanhood and thoughts of warmth and tenderness. Hand in hand, he held her closer; love in love, hope in heart.

“That is so sweet, but yet at the same time so sad,” I replied.

“Yes. Most of them wouldn’t be able to afford anything more than a HDB flat,” she said plainly.

The lack of condescension in her voice touched me. Her humanity was palpable, and her dignity for not judging those who those who did not live as well as she did, respectable. She gave me a hug when I was leaving, and for the first time in a long while, I felt humbled, and thankful that I found an unlikely friend in the unlikeliest of places.

This is supposed to help sell Microsoft, how ?

10:56:00 me : eh, i’m applying for credit card
10:56:13 me : does it matter what name i put in the ‘name to appear’ ?

11:27:21 her : not really.
11:27:28 her : but they are going to raise eyes if you put Johnny Malkavian when ur actual name isn’t.

11:27:46 me : I was actually thinking of Rumplestiltskin
11:27:57 me : or Megatron

11:28:01 her : hHAHHAHAAH.

11:28:01 me : or Optimus Prime

11:28:07 her : u try lor.
11:28:11 her : hee.

11:28:21 me : oh i know
11:28:24 me : Bruce Wayne
11:28:38 me : i can show chicks, and whisper
11:28:49 me : “shh.. don’t tell anyone, but i’m actually batman”
11:29:00 me : then show them my credit card to prove it

11:29:10 her : good laawd.
11:29:19 her : can bluff 15y.os.

11:29:46 me : you think? it’s decided then
11:29:58 me : so fun
11:30:17 me : if this works, i’ll try with other banks too
11:30:25 me : and use different names
11:30:32 me : Clark Kent, for example

11:30:34 her : u damn funny lah u.

11:31:29 me : I could apply for one with The Joker for a name too

11:31:37 her : u might get stopped at the cashier………
11:31:37 her : later nric and card don’t match, then how?1

11:31:40 me : and after i flash my Bruce Wayne card,
11:31:48 me : i can tell them that I’ve got The Joker
11:31:52 me : that he is powerless now
11:31:58 me : because I’ve his credit card

11:32:11 her : DOH!

11:32:30 me : i’ve never had to show my CC and my IC together before leh
11:33:35 me : and i’ll put them all in a Justice League kiddy wallet

11:33:39 her : that’s because u guai guai give proper name wat.

11:33:59 me : Bruce Wayne IS a proper name
11:34:02 me : (just not mine)

11:34:09 her : DUDE!
11:34:13 her : are you still dr8unk?!

11:34:20 me : i wish
11:34:22 me : hahaha
11:39:18 me : if i ever get my bruce wayne card, i’ll bring you to gotham penthouse for a drink

Now you stalkers can go trawling in proper chronological order.

Damn, it’s been so long, I don’t even remember what my first post was.

I’m arrogant, that much I concede to be true. Might’ve overlooked some character flaws in my hubris. If you would be so kind, dear reader, tell me what I missed ?

—

00:15:31 me : heya freckles

00:15:52 her : Hi boy

00:16:00 me : hahaha
00:16:08 me : why do you insist on calling me boy ?
00:16:37 me : or is that what you call everybody

00:17:32 her : I call everybody boy
00:17:44 her : Girls I call “love” or “dear” or “darling” or “baby”

00:18:00 me : … but everyone else is just a boy

00:19:16 her : I call every guy boy
00:19:18 her : Regardless

00:19:36 me : oh that makes me feel so special

00:20:09 her : Lol ain’t got no need to please you

00:20:21 me : aight
00:20:25 me : no you don’t
00:21:21 me : i saw your prayer request

00:21:50 her : hmmm?

00:23:21 me : the one where you said it bothered you that you didn’t care

00:23:37 her : Refresh my failing memory.
00:25:00 her : Oh good lord.
00:25:05 her : Where the hell did you find that.

00:25:25 me : anyone with half a mind to google your handle would find it

00:30:10 her : uh huh

00:30:53 me : who was it ?

00:31:01 her : Who was what?

00:31:11 me : your attacker

00:31:46 her : I had two.

00:32:08 me : boyfriends ?

00:32:17 her : rapists

00:32:38 me : you were raped twice

00:32:46 her : thrice

00:33:11 me : twice with the same attacker.

00:33:22 her : yea

00:33:25 me : once bitten
00:33:30 me : twice shy
00:33:35 me : how did it happen again ?

00:34:28 her : dont ask

00:34:54 me : why not ?
00:35:02 me : did you think it was your fault ?

00:35:28 her : yes

00:36:16 me : ok

00:36:20 her : brb
00:43:07 her : back

00:43:16 me : you were sorely missed

00:43:28 her : lol
00:43:33 her : somehow
00:43:38 her : the word sorely just….. lol

00:45:20 me : what ?

00:45:40 her : it looks so odd

00:46:33 me : ok, maybe it was a little OTT

00:47:17 her : OTT?

00:47:45 me : over the top

00:47:54 her : lol
00:47:55 her : maybe
00:47:58 her : -shrugs- I dunno

00:49:53 me : what do you know?
00:50:17 me : the pillars of conviction are built on the shifting sands of perception
00:50:31 me : what do you believe in?
00:50:34 me : what makes you.. you ?

00:51:03 her : Not telling you.

00:51:16 me : you don’t know, do you ?

00:51:44 her : I do actually
00:51:49 her : I’m just not….
00:51:54 her : I dont like to talk about it.
00:52:12 her : Because telling people what makes me me leads on to other things

00:52:13 me : why not? do you think what you believe is wrong, or that it will not stand up to scrutiny ?
00:52:49 me : what other things? you getting raped again ?

00:52:54 her : Nothing to do with what I believe
00:52:59 her : It’s what I dont want to talk about.
00:54:23 her : I have my… quirks. Not an accurate word, but I use it for a reason.
00:54:51 her : I have things I dont want to talk about for many reasons that may seem highly stupid to others, but make alot of sense to me, due to various other reasons that I dont want to talk about
00:54:57 her : It jsut gets more and more confusing.

00:55:20 me : break it
00:55:33 me : have you heard the story of the gordian knot ?
00:56:08 me : it was a knot impossible to undo.
00:56:17 me : alexander the great came along
00:56:23 me : and split it with his sword

00:56:24 her : The thing is, I dont want to break it, for my own personal reasons.

00:58:17 me : in another conversation with a dear friend;
00:58:26 me : i think she wants help. but she doesn’t know how to get it, or how to express it.
but the giver of this help will have to invest alot of emotions into it.
it is quicksand. be warned.

00:58:48 her : ………..
00:59:14 her : Tsk.
00:59:19 her : I do want help.
00:59:25 her : But I also know who I want help from.

01:06:19 me : you’re probably stronger than i give you credit for

01:06:27 her : I’m used to random online people making advances
01:06:29 her : I just ignroe it

01:06:35 me : so much for the knight in shining armor
01:06:46 me : you don’t need any protection

01:06:56 her : Now then you realise

01:07:11 me : oh foolish foolish me
01:12:27 me : why do you think you need help, anyhow?

01:12:48 her : I’m not made of rock

01:13:09 me : you seem to be attempting to project the image that you are
01:13:22 me : rock solid, steady
01:13:24 me : standing on your own

01:13:31 her : I’m not
01:13:39 her : How can I be doing that If I’m exposing my weakness

01:14:03 me : are you exposing your weakness ?

01:14:09 her : I do that quite alot

01:15:11 me : not with me you’re not
01:15:23 me : some music?

01:15:24 her : you’re just not very observant
01:15:27 her : naw thanks
01:15:35 her : looking for a site to watch caligula for free
01:15:40 her : without having need to download the damn thing
01:15:42 her : I hate downloading

01:17:05 me : so what is this, a guessing game?
01:17:14 me : i guess what your weakness is, then what?

01:17:19 her : not guessins
01:17:21 her : i dont even hide it
01:17:55 her : U’re so caught up with unearthing what’s beneath, you become totally oblivious to what I show.

01:18:15 me : that’s new
01:18:28 me : tell me what i don’t see then, if i’m so oblivious

01:18:41 her : No I won’t.
01:18:46 her : I’m not out seeking pity
01:18:50 her : Or attention.

01:19:04 me : is that it?

01:19:23 her : tsk.

01:20:15 me : you know
01:20:39 me : it was great talking to you over coffee the other day

01:20:46 her : mmhmmm

01:21:26 me : i thought you might’ve been one that’d go a long way

01:21:39 her : and….?

01:21:46 me : i think i might’ve been wrong

01:21:54 her : Ok.

01:22:13 me : if you’re going to tell me that you don’t need me
01:22:26 me : i don’t think there’s much point in me hanging around

01:22:34 her : Hahahah

01:22:39 me : yeah
01:22:43 me : it’s called giving up

01:22:53 her : :)
01:23:21 her : Good.

01:23:55 me : silly girl

01:24:20 her : what

01:24:41 me : i give up on you, you smile, and say ‘good’.
01:24:45 me : ok
01:24:53 me : live your life the way you want

01:24:58 her : you aint my type
01:25:07 her : I didnt want you to….
01:25:12 her : Sigh nvm

01:25:37 me : it’s going to happen again

01:25:44 her : hmmm?

01:25:50 me : i’m probably not the first, and i won’t be the last
01:26:01 me : people who care about you will turn away

01:26:06 her : lol

01:26:07 me : because you don’t care

01:26:10 her : good

01:26:17 me : exactly
01:26:24 me : this is what i’m talking about

01:26:32 her : I’d rather they turn away
01:26:36 her : then have me feeling guilty

01:26:54 me : guilt?
01:26:59 me : why guilt ?
01:27:08 me : because you think you suck?

01:27:12 her : no

01:27:16 me : that you don’t deserve it ?

01:27:25 her : because they r wasting their time

01:27:29 me : why

01:27:42 her : cos when im not interested, im not interested

01:27:55 me : you think this is what it’s about?
01:28:01 me : that i’m trying to get into your pants ?

01:28:06 her : nope

01:28:52 me : then what?
01:28:56 me : why am i wasting my time ?

01:29:04 her : cos im nt interested

01:29:17 me : not interested in what ?

01:29:21 her : u

01:29:33 me : so ?

01:29:50 her : so to me, you’re wasting your time

01:30:23 me : because i mean nothing to you

01:30:37 her : in a sense, yes
01:30:49 her : come on
01:30:53 her : You know I’m attached.

01:31:49 me : and ?

01:31:58 her : so i wont be interested in anyone else

01:32:08 me : i’m not asking you to be interested in me

01:32:14 her : ya
01:32:34 her : but i feel guilty if someone is even mildly interested in me’

01:33:10 me : if that’s what you think is happening here, you’re wrong
01:33:20 me : i thought what we had went beyond that
01:33:25 me : but fuck it

01:33:36 her : had gonebeyond wat

01:33:52 me : beyond mere bgr

01:34:00 her : ………
01:34:30 her : wat is yr def of bgr

01:34:44 me : got time?
01:34:49 me : there’s something i want you to read

01:34:56 her : k

01:35:34 me : http://johnny.entori.net/2007/11/shes-writing-my-eulogy/

01:40:46 her : oh good lordy this is long la

01:41:22 me : i don’t suppose you’re going to take the time to finish reading it

01:41:30 her : you know what
01:41:37 her : I’ll read it tomorrow when my brain wakes up
01:41:41 her : i will read
01:41:44 her : it’s just that…
01:41:45 her : good lord
01:41:50 her : it’s 141 in the morn!

01:43:45 me : ok
01:44:46 me : i’ve deleted you. if you need me, you know where and how to reach me. otherwise, i won’t stand to impose on your life.

01:44:54 her : tsk

01:45:13 me : right. be that way.

01:47:45 her : You know….
01:48:00 her : One thing about you is that You’re so sodding arrogant.
01:48:10 her : It’s unbelievably stifling.
01:48:43 her : I can understand the whole, need to protect a damsel in distress thing.
01:48:52 her : It’s an instinct inbuilt in most guys.
01:49:06 her : But you’re too overdone.
01:49:47 her : It’s one thing to be a gentlmen, and generally be a clutch for females who are going through a rough patch.

01:49:59 me : you think? for most parts, friends i hold dear are far from being damsels in distress

01:50:20 her : It’s another to expect to be a knight in shining armour for them because they are in distress, and expect them to always be in distress so that they can continue needing you.
01:50:25 her : That’s just downright selfish.

01:50:30 me : hell no
01:50:39 me : i want for you to be better

01:50:44 her : Ok.
01:50:54 her : Then should I get over a rough patch, then what?
01:51:03 her : Hhuh?

01:51:44 me : then what ?

01:51:56 her : I wldnt need anyone by then right?
01:52:04 her : Then what’s going to happen. What are you going to protect?

01:52:34 me : i’m going to protect you until you don’t need protecting any longer. i was going to anyway

01:52:48 her : I dont understand then. What made you think we were beyond BGR?

01:53:39 me : because i’m not interested in you romantically. i respect and appreciate the mind you have, and the stimulating conversations that we’re almost never going to have now

01:54:11 her : euuugh
01:54:30 her : this is just gross. gross gross gross.
01:54:47 her : It’s late. And I need to head to bed. Got to wake up for sodding tuition. Pffft.
01:54:50 her : G’night

01:54:55 me : what’s gross ?

01:55:02 her : nvm

01:55:10 me : it’s going to end like that ?

01:55:28 her : hell, you’re the one flying in and out like the tooth fairy

01:55:54 me : you’re the decay in the tooth that refuses to drop

01:56:09 her : maybe.
01:56:18 her : But what I dont need is a tooth fairy. I need a dentist.
01:56:27 her : Which just reiterates my point.
01:56:33 her : If I need help, I’d go look for it.

01:56:41 me : but you don’t.

01:56:46 her : I do actually.
01:56:50 her : Silently.

01:56:56 me : good.
01:57:08 me : i hope you become better. a mind’s a terrible thing to waste.

01:57:14 her : I know.
01:57:21 her : Which is the very reason why I haven’t quite lost it.

01:57:46 me : ok

01:57:49 her : And with that, good night.

01:57:50 me : now tell me what’s gross ?

01:57:58 her : nvm.

01:58:03 me : bitch

01:58:18 her : yes I know.

How would you deal with this?

I know that my problems..would never be as bad, cos there’ll always be someone else who’s got it worst. I’m 17, I’m young, I know I still got a long way ahead. But, as long as these problems stay with me, I can never move ahead with my life.

I was raped when I was 15. Well, not raped. Forced would be a better word. The problem is not in the raping. The problem lies in my not caring. It doesn’t affect me like how it’d affect a normal person. What is wrong with me? I confided in my boyfriend, I felt that he should know. He is upset that I accepted it so easily. And it’s becoming a hindrance.

I used to be a lolita, I smoked I drank and had casual one-night stands.

And now, I can’t forgive myself. What makes it worst, is my dampening faith. I know God is there. I know he is. I just..can’t feel him, or hear him. I want him to show me that he is real. That all that is said in the Bible about him aren’t lies. That he truly loves me for who I am, despite everything. That he loves everyone. I’ve been a skeptic for too long, and it’s eating me. So many questions, that hinder my faith. I want to break free from everything! Someone, please help me. I’ve tried to pray but, my mum once taught me that the prayer of multitudes is more powerful. Thank You

Something from a long time ago, for quiet moments when I’m on my knees, alone, confused, crying for greater intimacy with God;

-~-

I Need Your Love
Ruth Ling
© Mar 2001

I need your love each and every morning
To give me the reason
That I have to face another day of this world
To see the work that’s left undone
To hear that from mark, I’m still so far…
I’ll never make it past

I need your love with its hugs and kisses
To tell me it’s alright
That I seem to fall the same ways time after time
To lift me up from my knees
And to leave the scars behind me
So to realize
I’m not all alone

I need your love each and everyday
Would you be right here?
’Cos I need your love each and everyday
Could you come closer?
Lead my way
Every step that I take
Each page
I need your love

I need your love each and every evening
To tell me the story
That I need to hear before my heart is still
For when my heart is silent
I hear you whisper, “You’re forgiven”
It’s then I realize
I was never all alone

-~-

Ruth Ling - I Need Your Love